Look What I Have

I thought about this idea while I was bathing earlier but don’t let that freak you out because truth be told, I mostly contemplate when I’m in the shower. And today, as I did my usual morning routine, I thought of how I would greet you on this probably not special day. We both know that we are often plagued with thoughts that are of negative value most often when it’s almost our birthday. I know how it feels to not completely understand the value of being born despite the fact that you are keenly aware that you should be thankful for your mere existence. I could only imagine the reactions I would get from people when they find out that I don’t see the value of a birthday right when my own is so near. It’s a sad thought to be honest but I guess people like us make it so complicated that the sorrow of it all only becomes a backdrop of what we’re actually feeling or experiencing.

You may not be on your happiest cloud today but I hope that my little gift has given you a reason to smile today. It’s not much, I know. I’m pretty sure it will be a good addition to your new gadget though. There’s only so much that I can do much for you, my friend, and this is one of the few ways that I know how. And although you may not agree with me when I say this but I do believe that you deserve better. People like you who have complexities deserve simplicity and calmness of being that you probably will not achieve alone. Don’t you ever think that there is not one like that somewhere. I may not be in a position to say that but I believe in it. There is someone out there who has not met you but loves you anyway. But of course I’m not sure of that. However, there is a certainty that there are people like me and the rest of our family (you know them. If not, ask me who they are) who love you for all your whims.

Don’t be afraid to ask for more of what I gave you, I’d be happy to supply them to you. After all, you’re one of the few that actually appreciate my taste. I really hope you like it, I made it so that the number is equal to your age. Honestly, I’m a little concerned that it may speak more about me than you but I dunno, I just thought that maybe you’d like that. HAHA. Anyway, I’m beginning to think that I’m babbling but knowing you, you probably expected that already. And so today, happy or not. Okay or not. I hope this makes you smile. Happy birthday to you!

Look, apparently there’s someone else who doesn’t like their birthday as much as we do (https://badlandsbadley.wordpress.com/2011/03/28/it-sucks-to-grow-up-the-birthday-edition/). I didn’t read the whole of it but the general gist of it told me we have the same sentiments as his. I’m not expecting you to read it or anything, I’m just saying. HAHA.

In Medias Res

Mixed emotions on what to think right now. I feel absolutely annoyed that I’m the daughter who gets to do nothing for stupid shallow reasons and yet, I feel guilty. Maybe she is right to think that my morals are slowly drifting away into nothing. Then again, I’d like to think of it as an evolution rather than a disintegration. Perhaps this is my great perhaps, my constant struggle to get whatever freedom that I long for. I do not wish for disconnection, I wish for a chance to be able to mingle. Somehow, I feel like I want to be a teenager. Somehow I want to feel irresponsible and immature even for just a while. I want to rebel not because I want to drift away or because I feel that what I’m doing is the right thing, I honestly don’t think that it is. It’s just that I want to feel like I do not hold the world in my shoulders even for just a night. I want to feel like I’m actually capable of being a young adult who does not give a fuck.

I hate them for not letting me but most of all, I hate myself for letting them do so. I complain about the pressure and I can go on and try to explain how difficult it is to be what I am to them and sound like a spoiled brat (given with what’s been said already) but I let them. Hardly ever fought even when I should have.

I’ve always thought that I was strong and independent and yet, I can’t even stand up to the very they that bring me down. It scares me. The thought of it scares me and so I back down, without a word, without a sound, being naïve enough to believe that someday they will reward me because of my patience. With the rate I’m going, all hope is lost.

Void

I made a promise before that if by December you decide that you still don’t want this that I would give up. Unfortunately for me, December had come earlier than expected and I’ve found myself in a position of forced decision making before the said due date. And as much as I don’t break promises for reasons that go in line with the fact that I hate it when people break their promises, I’m left with no choice but to consider that promise as somewhat null and ineffective anymore.

There is no promise to keep and sadly enough, no person to wait for. It has come to my attention that you’re not running for me. And if you were, I’m probably running towards the other direction. We both run hoping we would meet halfway but not realizing we never will because our paths are of opposite direction. Oh how I will miss your hands and everything else that’s attached to them. I guess I would never be able to feel the weight of your hand in mine anymore.

No, I won’t wait forever.

I used to think that maybe if I did wait, even if not forever, that something would eventually spring up from the mistake of ever letting myself fall under someone else’s control but present circumstances have proven otherwise. And no matter how much I would want to continue and no matter how much a part of me still wants to hope that there will ever be a reward to every effort that I put into this relationship, I’m afraid that he’s not willing to do the same.

She Wears Heels But She Always Falls Down

My creative writing professor was right when she said that it is possible that I people cannot find the strength to write in moments of pure bliss for there is a certain disregard for whatever was going wrong at the particular moment in time. Instead, it was replaced with feelings that encompasses, at least at that time, mere words and it was undoubtedly impossible to not simply live that moment instead of finding the words to relive it. It is also from her that I got the idea that it is very possible that I do, in fact, write at times of great anxiety and depression. The writing also comes whenever I am overwhelmed with such strong feelings of frustration or when I’m overcome by a great sense of loss. Putting aside whatever drives me to write, I’ve come to identify a particular pattern in my writing. I would not want to say that it usually comes at the instance of negative emotions for I do not want to categorize my writing as something that reflects the negative side of life. I do believe that at some point, there is hope in this (whatever this may be) and that as long as I am capable of jolting down my thoughts, regardless of whether or not it is a happy one, then I have a perfectly stable outlet of my feelings to some extent. However, at the event that I am not able to pin it in words, it seems that it greatly affects my daily life.

I’ve noticed that I have a tendency to spin out of orbit and lose track of all that I should be focusing on. Perhaps I can also partly blame my lack of proper sleep but mostly, I blame my cluttered mind for all that has been occuring for the past week or so. The difficulties that I have been encountering have all been set of by my own mind, a sort of trick disguised as a reaction to the loss of particular things. Indeed, my mind has been overanalyzing and overreacting to numerous things that I would not like to dwell upon at the moment. This is greatly reflected in the various prose that I have been busying myself for over a month now. It seems that in the creation of these works, I have come to greatly disregard my other tasks in effect, my total disregard for it now poses as an inconvenience. Had I not been greatly affected by things or had been sensitive to particularities, then I would not have encountered these things in the first place. True enough, I have become a wreck and I have been repeating this to myself for days now. I cannot deny myself the truth that I have fucked up, big time nor can I deny myself of the stupidities of my actions.

And so I would like to stop, for the good of a valuable number of people and of myself because this cannot continue. I do not want to be stuck in this great black hole that has engulfed me and blinded me from what I should truly be setting my eyes on. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, time waits for no one. In addition to that, people leave and yet, life goes on without stopping for anyone, most especially for anyone like me.

You Will Always Deserve A Goodnight

Even if you don’t want it and even if I never say it, you will always deserve it. You deserve it because despite all your shortcomings and all your letdowns, I know for a fact that you put yourself down than what is actually needed and therefore, I want to be a constant reminder that at the end of the day, despite all the bullshit we’ve both encountered and all the bullshit we will encounter, I want to tell you that you deserve a good night’s rest. And I don’t hope for only comfortable sleep for you but also, I want for you the nicest of dreams. And although it may not be of me but rather, of her or someone else for that matter, I want you to have it because you need it or maybe in truth, I need to be reassured that you have it because I need to know that you’re not feeling as lonely as I am. And in the morning, if ever I do rouse you, I want to wish you a good one because you deserve a greeting after that short journey far from the reality that is life. I don’t want for you to escape, I want for you to take a break and breathe a little but maybe that’s just me talking because in all my efforts to do so, I am engulfed into that haze of confusion that always settle in my presence at the thought of what is occuring or not occuring between you and me.

I’ll let you know though that tonight I plan on having a good night regardless of whether or not you are a part of what will become of me. However, I do fear for myself and my own dignity the events that will occur in the next 48 hours and even at the impossibility of it, I still want for you to be there at the moment those hours pass and I am free from the clutches of whatever may rein me down at the moment or in the near future.

Transfer

“Do you know how fucking hard it is to like him?”, I said. More to myself than the person I was really saying it to actually. And upon saying those words I’ve come to realize that I didn’t have a valid reason to not like him anymore. Much less have reason to give up on this. But the very thought of him around makes me shiver in pure horror. Propinquity is what led me into liking him and for that reason, I am not letting propinquity bring me back to him again because I’m tired. Truth be told, the relationship itself was not hard. We are friends after all. However, having him closer than he is right now is something I’m not ready to handle. It would mean that I would have to see him more often and to be honest, I’m scared of doing so. Having him geographically nearer and therefore increasing the chances of me and him bumping into each other is not something I look forward to. Not because I don’t want to see him and spend time with him but in doing so, I would be risking liking him all over again.

Although there is nothing absolutely wrong with liking him again, I simply do not want to experience the emotional rollercoaster I had inadvertently put myself into during those times that I did. And I hate it. I absolutely despise it when I assume and I begin to hope because in the end, I will get disappointed.

Written October 19,2010; 5:51 pm

Pretentious Bitch

I don’t understand why you refuse to trust me on things. It’s probably not a matter of trust really, as someone once told me, but I guess it’s also my fault that I refuse to tell you anything but really, how can I when every I do try to tell you, you burst on a ball of pure repulsion? How can I sum up the courage when the last time that I did, you refused to listen and tell me that it’s alright, instead, you accuse me of other things? Since then, I’ve refused to tell you anything worth telling you about because you yourself have lost my trust. It may sound a little bit selfish for my own taste but I can assure you that you have not gained any of my trust and although it may seem to you that you deserve it for reasons that you alone can comprehend, I am not willing to grant it to you any time soon.

I’m not angry, I just feel so frustrated at the thought that after all this time we are still at this dilemma. I find it a little funny though that we both grant each other the benefit of the doubt but refuse to truly and sincerely give the trust necessary for this. Know this, however, that I am not the person you think I am. I’d like to correct you and tell you that you do not know me at all. It’s not only because you don’t try but also because I don’t let you and I’m sorry for that. However, I can’t seem to wrap my head at the thought of letting you in because every time I try to or am close enough to letting you peek, there’s something between us that pushes the effort. It’s a fundamental force that I’m afraid I will  never understand and so I guess until then, we will be pushed to do things out of doubt.

You have your faults and I have mine. We’re like a happy marriage that would not admit defeat.

Lonely Home

It’s funny how all the things that I’ve planned to say just got obliterated into a pile of dust that got swept away by the winds. Then again, my head was spinning early on tonight and it seems as though I had just experienced a hangover despite the fact that I was not even able to be anywhere near anything that resembles alcohol. Moving on, I cannot deny the fact that what I’ve been publishing for the past month or so have been pure crap. However, I cannot say that I have not been writing. To say the least, I’ve developed the habit of writing letters to a certain someone. And yet, I never sent them for reasons that I would like to keep to myself.

I’ve come to a conclusion that the internet is truly a destructive mechanism that is thrust upon us. Disguised as simplified means of communication, it becomes or drug for it seems as though it is our only outlet for our thoughts and basically, our whole being. We let ourselves be enveloped by it as we begin to have conversations, supposedly done in person, through programs such as messenger and facebook chat. To some extent it does make it easier for everyone. I’ve come to realize, however, that it overly simplifies everything. As we reflect more of ourselves through blogging and the like and we make conversations and further get to know people through instant messaging, it seems as though we have forgotten how to truly speak. To truly say things that we mean. We hide behind the closed windows that are our computer screens and we speak our mind because burning bridges is as easy as blinking through the internet. Why, you ask? Because we are not inclined to make it easier for them to understand. Because it’s so much easier to pretend and to lie about everything when you are not face to face with another individual. They will never suspect anything just as long as you know your grammar and you don’t mess up with the settings of “permanently offline”. In short, it’s so much easier to escape from the obligation of trying to be nice or trying to seem as though you are understanding and you, to some extent, really do care.

I rant, I know. And I’ve come to a conclusion that I should re-learn how to keep thoughts, especially sensitive ones that don’t really matter to anyone else but myself, should be kept in the confines of my mind or on paper or somewhere where no one else will really find it. I hate the idea that while I talk  about things that I think are significant or worth the talk, someone else would rather be somewhere else listening to someone else. Most of all, I hate the idea that while I think that someone cares enough to listen, they listen because they’re nice enough to keep up with my shit.

I do not like being a burden.

Hey You,

Please stop making me feel as though I am being avoided because I want to hate you for it but I seemingly can’t find the strength to because all my energy is worked up on missing you. Stop trying to make me feel special at some time then suddenly be as cold as to make me feel like you hate me and never want to talk or see me again. I want to stop missing you during those days when you’ve grown cold towards me right after the bittersweet days of having you close because sometimes it’s so overwhelming that I forget to focus on the things that I should be putting much effort on. Instead, I’m hung up waiting for you to show yourself and try to bring back what was momentarily ours.

If you want a bite of my heart just take it already and stop taking a bite then leaving it to rot while you wander off to some distant land in search for other hearts to taste. Or maybe you aren’t even in search for other hearts, you just want her heart in particular. Fuck, if you want her so bad stop coming back to me because I’m starting to need you more than I should. I’m sick and tired of trying to convince myself that it means nothing to you and therefore, should also mean nothing for me. But no, instead, I am left wanting more.

And now you just shattered the glass that supposedly keeps me from being vulnerable. You’re toying with me again; giving me all these bullshit excuses that my stupid self accepts. Please don’t come and go like all the others because my tired, lonely heart can’t suffer another round of being taken for granted.