“Do you know how fucking hard it is to like him?”, I said. More to myself than the person I was really saying it to actually. And upon saying those words I’ve come to realize that I didn’t have a valid reason to not like him anymore. Much less have reason to give up on this. But the very thought of him around makes me shiver in pure horror. Propinquity is what led me into liking him and for that reason, I am not letting propinquity bring me back to him again because I’m tired. Truth be told, the relationship itself was not hard. We are friends after all. However, having him closer than he is right now is something I’m not ready to handle. It would mean that I would have to see him more often and to be honest, I’m scared of doing so. Having him geographically nearer and therefore increasing the chances of me and him bumping into each other is not something I look forward to. Not because I don’t want to see him and spend time with him but in doing so, I would be risking liking him all over again.
Although there is nothing absolutely wrong with liking him again, I simply do not want to experience the emotional rollercoaster I had inadvertently put myself into during those times that I did. And I hate it. I absolutely despise it when I assume and I begin to hope because in the end, I will get disappointed.
Written October 19,2010; 5:51 pm
