Mixed emotions on what to think right now. I feel absolutely annoyed that I’m the daughter who gets to do nothing for stupid shallow reasons and yet, I feel guilty. Maybe she is right to think that my morals are slowly drifting away into nothing. Then again, I’d like to think of it as an evolution rather than a disintegration. Perhaps this is my great perhaps, my constant struggle to get whatever freedom that I long for. I do not wish for disconnection, I wish for a chance to be able to mingle. Somehow, I feel like I want to be a teenager. Somehow I want to feel irresponsible and immature even for just a while. I want to rebel not because I want to drift away or because I feel that what I’m doing is the right thing, I honestly don’t think that it is. It’s just that I want to feel like I do not hold the world in my shoulders even for just a night. I want to feel like I’m actually capable of being a young adult who does not give a fuck.
I hate them for not letting me but most of all, I hate myself for letting them do so. I complain about the pressure and I can go on and try to explain how difficult it is to be what I am to them and sound like a spoiled brat (given with what’s been said already) but I let them. Hardly ever fought even when I should have.
I’ve always thought that I was strong and independent and yet, I can’t even stand up to the very they that bring me down. It scares me. The thought of it scares me and so I back down, without a word, without a sound, being naïve enough to believe that someday they will reward me because of my patience. With the rate I’m going, all hope is lost.
